headlights

the red blotch on the asphalt was not. could not be. red. more of the grey. grainy and rough, like a dead puddle. the road-marks kept silence and shone in the dark till the cars all left and their headlights with them. in the dark, all red is black. what will remain when/as the liquid […]

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june 3, 2019

Today he would have been 36. Three dozen years on this earth, under this sun. Who knows how life would have turned out, what his story would have been. We, who loved him, still do, I’m sure of it. We measure the time by his death: before he died, the year he died, after he […]

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A beer can

My kid brother died Aug 2, 2005. This is his lay. This too is his lay, only written as a scene for a Creative non-fiction workshop on Aug 2, 2018, inspired by the excellent Inara Verzemnieks, a professor extraordinaire. (and the only person who has ever praised me for writing silences, which has perplexed me). […]

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the empty graves

“but i want to go to your mother’s grave,” she said. “you can come or not, it does not matter,” she added. “but i’d appreciate a navigator.” “i do not see what i’ve forgotten there,” i said. “but ok, i’ll go.” and so we went. the day was bright and sunny, the road characteristically abysmal, […]

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kā reizēm gadās uztrāpīt uz cilvēka lappušu malām, un baložu vietā sirds vēstules nez kāpēc pārnēsā dzēse (jo baloži vienkārši nav pārāk inteliģenti)

uz malām, mēs toreiz rakstījām uz malām un neatgriešanos, kad vēja pusē salām mūs gārņi ievīla. uz malām un vienā laidā, tā bez kādām šuvēm no rokām vien mēs ugunskuri kļuvām uz neatgriešanos. kā dzēses ūdensrozēs mēs lapas sagriezām, kas tika tev, kas – man, to neizlasīt kartupeļu grozos. uz malām mēs rakstījām no paša […]

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et lux perpetua

the annual ‘lux perpetua’, etc etc post. i can forget. no problem with forgetting. but my body does not. the annual dissonance. clench the teeth, cook something complicated like chicken tikka masala (in this country one has to spend hours hunting the ingredients), clench the teeth, hide. the dead walk in my dreams, and i […]

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dysfunction

in my dreams, i am back at that hospital in 2005. talking to the surgeon. about how bro’s inner bleeding cannot be stopped. how the brain death is imminent. and in amoment, it has set in. about stopping the blood transfusion after that. detaching the artificial life-support. and in the dream, i am suddely aware […]

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