the feeling in my bones

i am trying to write this in the hope that i will write the feeling off. it sometimes happens. maybe this will allow me to clarify – or at least name – the images and notions, so that a rational decision could be reached.

i call it the feeling in my bones. because this is where i can think the feeling.

it is a feeling of unrest, despair, and a need to escape.

it is connected with how i see development possibilities in my congregation.

or how i do not see them.

i have been in this congregation council for the past…let’s see…at least 13 years, not counting the time i left the council because i saw no light at the end of the tunnel, no development, and no hope.

do i see it now? i don’t know.

did i see it before and after that period? prior – yes. after – sometimes.

there are four images/things that are strongly connected with this feeling.

one.
the strong local tradition, expressed in words similar to these: ‘we have never done it this way’ or ‘this is not how things are done here’

two.
church council never reading the bible together, nor sharing their faith with each other.

three.
there is no sharing of prayers – especially in the congregation council – and if one expresses the idea, then see paragraph 1.

four.
repeated expressions of futility of the alpha course, similar to these: ‘alpha course does not educate the new members of congregation’; ‘alpha course is too shallow for intelligent people’; ‘alpha is inadequate for lutherans’ etc.

i have the feeling that i could manage to survive pt.1. and disregard pt.4  if  not pts. 2 and 3.

i might add a point five here – the implied, tacit expectation of some ‘outside force’ – be it a pastor or a miraculous whatever (an allusion to a latvian mythological/literary character of ‘laimes lācis‘ is in order) that will make the congregation work and faith alive.
in other words, this is the image of a congregation wanting a priest to perform mysteries in their name.

i have no idea how this could be changed. i have no idea if this should be changed.

i am tired of the dissonance between what i am called to do and what i can – or am allowed to – do. i am tired of being called  responsible for things i cannot influence.

i do not see any reason to continue to reproduce a system that does not work and destroys those that enter it.
i see the meaning of christianity in relationships with christ – in prayer and scripture – and his people – in shared prayer, worship, life and food.

now i have written this. dixi.

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