then the universe demands logon and password. i log on. i pass word.
i am me. i contain… whatever it is, it is too much pain.
where does the too much pain originate? probably in aggregation of the tiny little everyday let-it-go-it-is-unimportant painlets, regrets, guilts, resentments, angers.
those, strangely enough, accumulate unnoticed.
and then they avalanche on you, like a ton of bricks.
i still resent. being abandoned by a team-mate. or one i thought was a team-mate. like a country, i resent the abdication of the leader.
i am aware of what i must do. yet i see no way how i could do what i must. this is a cognitive dissonance that causes pain, and inability to cope with the current items and protocols. the said items then, on their own accord accumulate and transform into unmanageable landslides in their own right. which further aggravates the situation.
i am torn between who i am and what i am expected to be. this is an old scar, and hurts out of custom, not novelty.
i am tired of invisibility. i am an invisible person with a message to the world of the blind. metaphorically speaking, of course. it hurts.
i know this will end one day, and probably make me more.. me. if i survive, that is.
the question i was asked some time ago, and i have practically no answer to, is this – where, in all this, is jesus. i really want to believe i do not see him there because he is holding me up and supporting me from behind.
because if this is not so, nothing has any sense. if this is not so, it is better to find a rope – or any other means for untimely demise.
i am me. no less. no more.