in my dreams, i am back at that hospital in 2005. talking to the surgeon. about how bro’s inner bleeding cannot be stopped. how the brain death is imminent. and in amoment, it has set in. about stopping the blood transfusion after that. detaching the artificial life-support. and in the dream, i am suddely aware i have to make this decision between life and death. the feeling of actually killing him. and then i wake up, and i do not know.

i know i took the only logical decision there was to take. there was nothing else i could have done, given the circumstances.

why, then, i do not know in my dreams? wherefrom the feeling of having actually killed him?

were it possible, i would have swapped. my life for his. as then, so now. but i cannot, and never will.

it’s that /me cannot solve the emotional puzzle rationally, apparently – and my rationality, for once, gets in the way.

and yes, i have put this aside and moved on, so to say. so why do i return there in my dreams – or why do those dreams keep returning? life sometimes is so much more complex than could be logically possible.

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