i have transferred all my more-or-less published pages to this one place. here. (see the tabs on the top)
my life looks like a mess. and probably will stay that way till the judgement day. (which can be postponed only, not avoided)
on the one hand, i want that day sometime soon.. tired of waiting, sorting, re-arranging, waiting, sorting, rearranging, [loop]
on the other hand.. i wish i could say ‘i dunno..mm..maybe not’. but i cannot. there is just this one hand, mentioned above.
i wish that it were so simple. one does something, one gets punished, the guilt is over (even if some nether parts of one’s body refuse to be sat on for some time), the offence is over. there is a clean sheet to start from, the slate has been wiped – with blood and tears. the forgiveness is tangible (hypothetically).
but no. modern life does not go like that. in modern times, physical pain is forbidden from solutions, it is replaced by a complex, entangled, knotted weave of blurred notions – borderless discussions, impossible definitions, biased evaluations, too many sides,, viewpoints, interpretations, signs, intonations
i could go on. but whatever i say, the fact remains. my life is a mess.
well..not the whole of it. just some parts. some parts that i thought were quite ok. or at least, reasonably bearable. or at least conveniently forgotten.
a judgement day would be nice. someone else to turn up, and sort me out. tell what was good from what was bad. determine the reward and the punishment. erase the guilt forever, and for all. but it’s not there, it is never there when one needs it.
well, the positive in this is, i at least have all the (for a want of better words) facts, feelings, viewpoints and events in one place now.
and if i cannot sort them out now, maybe time or Spirit might? he is my last resort. sort of. in this transcendent sense.